The Real Reason Why Vampires Don’t Show Up in Pictures
It’s not what you think.
It’s not because they sparkle too much in the flash, or because they don’t have souls.
It’s just that vampires are really, really unphotogenic.
In every shot there’s the red eye problem, or someone’s flaring his aristocratic nose way too much, or there’s a little rotting blood crusting someone’s chin. It’s always a bad idea. So they just tend to avoid cameras. Especially at holidays.
Several different sources (including one of my publishers) insist that authors connect with their fans through every social medium possible, including Instagram. A picture every day! they say brightly. Let readers into your every day life!
I could conceivably stretch my initial metaphor by explaining the Roumanian in my background, the Transylvanian vineyard my family supposedly owned pre-Communist/Nazi/Usual Villager Douchebaggery, but let’s face it, I’m just not a vampire. Anyone who has seen me recently after ten PM (half asleep already) knows the unlikelihood of that.
I am, however, extremely unphotogenic, like my brethren of the night. No, like really, really unphotogenic. Even my kindest friends and relatives do not disagree, pitying looks on their faces. Or as my friend Greg puts it, “Geeze, Liz—your breasts ruin every shot!”
It’s not just the breasts (which really do seem to hog the lens in every photo). Somehow my chin disappears into nether regions obscured by my general pallor. Especially if I close my lips to hide my big buck teeth. I am much, much huger in pictures than I am in person. In weird inhuman lumps. My eyes do the red thing and are often crossed. Mom says that in all my baby photo sessions my tongue would loll out and eyes cross just as the picture snapped.
What I’m trying to say is that there will be Instagrams, as promised to the Great Gods of Publicity. There will just not be many of me. Which is ok. You don’t really want to know what I look like, do you? If you want anything, it’s to see more of the stuff that comes out of my head. From the real insides, I mean. Not what comes out of the tear ducts and noseholes.
So enjoy the photos if you can, and the sneaky peeks into my inner workings by means of the images that my (red)eyes find interesting. Or necessary.
There will be many pictures of coffee.